- Do you find that the more difficult he is, the more excited you get about him?
- Do you spend a lot of your time and energy on him?
- Did it ever occur to you that he wasn’t just being difficult but he was all-out TOXIC even though he seemed like a dream-come-true when you first met him?
- Do you keep thinking that your happily ever after was just around the corner – you just need to keep trying harder?
Rori Raye explained that the reason she felt all the above was because toxic men do not start out to be difficult from the beginning. They seem to be an absolute dream come true. One man called her “precious: and told her that with her, he finally understood what the meaning of “precious” was! She was in heaven.
Until, slowly but surely he started becoming controlling and critical. He would make fun of her in front of other people and because she did not want to seem a poor sport, she would laugh it off.
All of a sudden she felt like she had to walk on eggshells around him, which made her feel small and weak, and powerless.
He stopped caring about what she really wanted or how she felt about something he wanted to do. He just seemed unhappy with her, and too preoccupied with his own thoughts and plans, to worry about her – to even CONSIDER her or her feelings – and that made her feel unworthy and unloved.
But because she had already invested so much time and energy and love in him, and because everyone they knew saw them as a “couple,” she just let it go on…and on…and on.
She found herself completely bound up in the relationship, unable to understand what was really happening to them… and to her.
Ok – does the above sound like your current relationship? Why are you afraid to leave or letting go of the relationship?
- Is it because you believe that there’s nothing better out there?
- That all men need a little help and all relationships are difficult once in a while?
- That you could have a great relationship if you just keep trying, worked harder, and kept your feelings to yourself?
Rori outlines 3 steps to help you understand if your man is Toxic, and then to CHANGE your relationship to a positive, happy one. The steps are:
- Determine if He’s Toxic, or Just Troubled
- Stop Treating The Symptoms
- Start Transforming the Man
She talks a bit more about these steps, and how you are getting caught in step 1 and step 2, and why that’s PREVENTING you from ever getting to step 3.
Step 1: Find Out If He’s Toxic, Or Just “Making Mistakes”…
This step is completely crucial – and it’s the absolute HARDEST for most of us!
We often can identify Toxic qualities and traits, but we’ve all been taught to OVERLOOK them and be understanding, and to try to talk to him about his “negative” qualities – and NONE of that works.
And even if we’re able to really look at a man clearly and see that he actually DOES have some Toxic qualities – we have a nearly impossible time telling if ALL of him is Toxic and un-fixable.
She remembers feeling one minute like her Toxic Man was the best thing to ever happen to her, and the next minute she would think he was the WORST. He was either all GOOD or all BAD.
It’s hard to tell the difference between thinking a man is 100% Toxic just because he has a few negative traits, and making those negative traits “okay” in our minds because we’re afraid to consider he might be even a “little bit” Toxic.
The truth is, ALL of us have SOME negative qualities. Depending on what his are (and this is part of how you can tell the difference between a man who makes mistakes, a man who feels compelled from inside himself to keep repeating those mistakes, and a man who keeps making the same mistakes ON PURPOSE), it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s 100% toxic and that you can’t have a loving, happy, fulfilling relationship with him.
So it’s crucial for you to understand the difference between a Toxic Man and the individual (and hopefully minor) toxic qualities even a Good Guy might have – because you can have a successful relationship with a man who has a toxic QUALITIES, but you will NEVER BE HAPPY with a Toxic Man.
Perhaps your man is a “blamer.” Any time anything goes wrong in his life, he points the finger at someone else (usually YOU!) as being the cause. As a result, you find yourself constantly justifying and defending yourself, or even just taking the blame because it’s easier than arguing.
With this man, you may just need to learn how to gently open his eyes to the real “reason” things are going wrong (and I can help you with that) and he could become the sweet, loving guy you fell in love with. Or this blaming pattern could be a part of a bigger anger… or a victim mentality that will only get worse over time. Figuring out which of these you’re dealing with is the first step in helping solve the problem. No matter what the negative quality is – if he’s immature, verbally or emotionally abusive, condescending, self-involved… You need to identify how fatal this flaw is.
Because you can have a successful relationship with a man who has toxic QUALITIES, but you will NEVER BE HAPPY with a Toxic Man.
To help you, Rori has developed several tools and quizzes to help you easily conquer this step. Visit her website.
Which leads her to the next step…
Step 2: Stop Treating The Symptoms
Because most of us women can’t tell the difference between a toxic MAN and a toxic QUALITY, we tend to make the same dangerous mistakes when we try to improve our love lives. And the way we TRY to fix things, the way we talk and move and do and think, actually makes things even WORSE than they were before. We start to treat the “symptom” of the problem, instead of the cause.
We Are Addicted To Toxic Men
When we’re faced with a man with toxic qualities, we immediately try to figure out how we can change him and make him a better version of himself. It’s a pretty natural reaction. And before we talk about why this approach has the OPPOSITE EFFECT of what we intend (namely, making things much, much worse), we need to understand why we don’t run for the hills as soon as we see these dangerous qualities rear their ugly heads. And that’s because Toxic Men have some really compelling POSITIVE QUALITIES.
It’s these POSITIVE QUALITIES that cause most women to want to continue to work, fix, convince, and plead with a man to try to get the relationship working again. These POSITIVE QUALITIES your man has are a huge part of the reason why you’ve stayed with him for as long as you have – even though you’re not happy, even though you have moments when you feel so torn inside.
These POSITIVE QUALITIES are so powerful, so addicting, you almost can’t help yourself.
He may be extremely romantic at times, telling you how attracted he is to you and how “different” you are from any other woman he’s met. This can make you feel very wanted and beautiful. It’s hard to dismiss the giddy feelings that come over you when he talks like this. So when he lies to you, or says something insulting and hurtful, you think back to the last time he told you how special you are, and tell yourself that the “bad” stuff isn’t so bad, he’s just having a bad day… because when he makes you feel wanted and loved, you feel on top of the world. To your mind, you probably feel the bad days are “worth it” if you can experience the good stuff once in a while.
Maybe he’s a hard-working and honest guy who seems to want nothing more than to be seen as a “provider” and all-around decent man. If your man is like this, you probably feel GUILTY for even suggesting there are things he isn’t doing or ways he isn’t making you happy. So you keep trying harder to “fix” the relationship, or work on yourself, or if all else fails you stuff your needs and unhappiness way down so that you don’t have to feel it.
And the longer you stuff down your hurt, the more you start to FEEL NUMB to the hurtful things he does.
This is a real danger sign – when you almost wonder if you should give up trying and just live with it, because you’re not sure anything better exists out there. You keep telling yourself, “if I could just get him to stop being so immature, or stop being so mean to me, or stop trying to control me…” then the relationship would be perfect. Since leaving often doesn’t feel like an option, you’re left with thinking that if you could only address some of his negative qualities and get him to see how much he’s hurting you, you could re-make and re-mold your Toxic Man to be the Perfect Man.
This is a huge mistake.
The Big Mistake Most Women Make With Toxic Men
Rori knows how hard it is to figure out what to do when your man does – for the hundredth time – the very thing you’ve already told him makes you feel bad, that you’ve cried over and maybe even nearly left him for. You feel like you’ve tried everything to communicate your needs and how he’s not meeting them. You’re starting to feel hopeless, helpless, and… angry, and that just makes you feel even worse.
One simple truth: Transforming a toxic relationship can NEVER be done by simply addressing the individual, unwanted SYMPTOMS and trying to FIX them.
This is very important for you to know. So important as a matter of fact, that it is repeated again. You will NEVER change your relationship if you just try to treat the symptom. What does she mean when she says that? If up until this point you’ve been focused on how to get him to be less selfish, less rude, less controlling or more mature, you’ve been treating the “symptoms” instead of addressing the cause. You’ve been focusing on his behavior, but his behavior has a much deeper root cause than simply not knowing how to be kind, respectful or trusting.
The way your man behaves toward you has more to do with your RELATIONSHIP with each other, and the way you engage together, than it does with his rudeness, selfishness or dishonesty. In effect, by focusing just on his negative qualities and not considering the ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP holistically, you’ve been trying to cure an infection by changing the band-aid. The infection is the way your relationship is poisoning both you AND your man. The outward sore – his negative behavior – is the symptom of this infection. By thinking you can “fix” the entire relationship by just dealing with his negative behavior, you’re essentially putting a band-aid on a wound that really needs a good shot of antibiotic!
Focusing on a man’s particular weaknesses or toxic traits is NOT going to fix or solve your problem. It’s only going to frustrate you more, push him further away, and cause a lot of resentment for you and your man. Maybe you don’t believe what you have read so far. Maybe you’re still convinced that trying harder and having the right “technique” to get him to change his behavior is still “The Answer” you’re looking for. But consider this: How many times have you been successful in getting him to stop the behavior that is hurting you so much? How well is your strategy working so far?
The KEY to transforming a Toxic Man and creating a healthy and loving relationship involves more than just putting a “band-aid” on the relationship.
Which leads to the third step…
Step 3: Start Transforming Your Man
Once you stop trying to change a specific quality in your man (or symptom) you can start focusing on changing your entire relationship. And when you change the nature of the relationship… YOU CHANGE THE MAN!
By treating the true “infection,” you not only get a loving, supportive, stable, balanced relationship…
- You also get your man!
- You get all those POSITIVE qualities that kept you hanging on until now.
- You get all the sweet words, the closeness, the grand gestures.
- And you get to be even stronger, happier, and confident in yourself.
Rori after much soul-searching decided to leave the toxic man. But what she did after that was even more important. Instead of moping around and feeling sorry for herself, she started focusing 100% on HERSELF. She made her passions, her commitment, and her well-being my number one priority. She started having FUN. She stood up for herself and so doing she felt stronger and better. And when she did that, something magical happened… She found her husband!
Why? Because a woman who puts herself first and enjoys life is very attractive to men… and she’ll attract the kind of man who also takes care of himself.
Visit Rori’s website: http://www.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/